the REAL house of Payne

yes, us payne's really do exist, though some of us wonder why or how we managed to survive.... 

and we really aren't that funny...

we are however extremely religious, though morally idiotic/unfaithful, and highly inappropriate...  

so...  yesterday was the yearly Pain Payne Family Rebellion.  

each year at the family rebellion we have a pot luck picnic followed by a "white elephant" auction to create revenue for the next one...  yes, we are all a few cards short of a deck - even with the jokers added - and believe we all enjoy seeing people we will otherwise do our damndest to avoid.  

admittedly some of us actually did have enough brain cells to move far far away, of course that only means they are guilted by those who didn't into buying an expensive plane ticket after they have missed one or two rebellions... 

at least the food is good, sort of, and the conversation is better.  it is seriously comforting knowing none of us will be going to hell alone...

so back to the "white elephant" auction;  this is where everyone brings a random item to be auctioned off.  home brewed wine and home baked molasses cookies always create a bidding war and fetch huge dollars because, obviously, this is how we as a people cope.  

but, after those are gone very few care...
 
very few bid and fewer yet bother pay attention to the other 932 items left to auction off.  this makes the auctioneer, the money changer, the money counter, ms. "vanna white" petite (me) and ms "vanna white" in training who have been standing in the hot sun trying make a sale just a little bit (ok a lot) more cranky than we usually are...

so cranky hot and tired of the entire shabang we finally we get to the last few items... coloring books, crayons, markers, pencils and a plastic bag filled with paper folding fans. the decision is made to auction them as one item and be done with it... so ms. "vanna white" in training unfolds a few of the fans to show the bidders what they look like while i hold up the coloring books and the auctioneer starts the bidding off at $1...

and suddenly a bidder pays attention in a huge way...

and stomps up to the auctioneer screaming;  WAIT WAIT WAIT!  THOSE FANS WERE NOT FOR THE AUCTION!  I WANTED THOSE FANS PASSED OUT TO THE LADIES TO KEEP THEM COOL WHILE WE WERE BIDDING...

too late says the auctioneer, we're on the last item and they are being sold...

and a push/pull match starts involving the bag of fans the auctioneer is holding...

and heated words are exchanged... 

and small children are enlisted to grab the fans before they are sold...

and fans are being torn away from "vanna white" in training and passed out to the ladies...

and the bidder is told to sit her ass down and keep her big mouth shut...

and the auctioneer is told something i can't quite repeat...  but ends with well i never in all my life...

and the auctioneer calls bullshit and tells her she has too - and not just once but two or three times...

but in the end the auctioneer just lets go of bag of fans...

because after all, now that the auction is over the ladies will probably need them to keep themselves cool on their way home... 

and me... i am still giggling today because - as i said - we are a religious family though morally idiotic and these were the fans worth not only fighting for, but worth recruiting small children to take possession of by force - note the sentiment on them... 


personally, i have no doubt that Jesus loves me, but i also have no doubt that Jesus too shook his head in disbelief, poured himself a tall glass of home brewed wine and dunked a molasses cookie in it in order to cope... 

and by the way; the ladies didn't want the "damn fans" anyway....  (there is a perspective on war there somewhere i am certain of it)