i hate when this happens

evidently my lawn tractor wasn't feeling well...

it spent the last mowing session coughing and spitting.

it seemed some minor surgery was required and so were two new spark plugs...



spark plugs that no one seemed to carry... 

for four days i searched.

i came across several helpful men in several different stores to whom i handed the old spark plugs.  each one of them tried their best find them for me, but no luck.


and then i came across a woman...


i felt a surge of confidence asking her for help, because, after all, women stick together and understand how tough it is trying to survive in a "man's" world - especially when it comes to "mans" toys....



or maybe not.

since i'd gotten tired of fishing around at the bottom of my purse to find the old spark plugs two days before, i conveniently wrote the number on a piece of paper.

i told her what i needed and she snatched the paper from my hand, already acting like i was fully and completely in her way and then marched me back over to the spark plug isle...

where she looked and looked but couldn't find any plugs that matched the number i had given her.

"oh well." i said; "that's just my luck.  maybe i can order them online." 

her left eye twitched, she slapped the paper back into my hand and said in a very condescending tone;

"'lady'.... (you are old!) this isn't the right number." her eyes rolled (are you stupid?); "you wrote it down wrong.  (she patted my back) why don't you go on home and bring me back the spark plug. once you do then "we" can see what "we" can do."

and then she started to walk away.

yeah... no. this, i thought, is not going to happen. not today.

today was the wrong day for her too infer that i am not only too old but too stupid to copy 5 numbers off a dying spark plug...

she will not treat me like that and walk away...

"'lady'....." (you just stood on my last nerve!) i said; "i did not copy the numbers wrong and i do not need to 'go on home' and bring you back the spark plug, because i have the spark plugs right here in my purse."

she stopped, came back, took my piece of paper and stood there tapping her foot while waiting for me to fish the plugs from my purse.  i have no doubt she only did so to prove that i was indeed stupid.

well gee.  guess what?!?! I WASN'T!

"um... well gee." she said; "maybe "we" can google it and see if there is a replacement plug."

and indeed there was.  and she wrote down the number.  walked me back over to the spark plugs and put two in my hand.  job done. 

except;

i was not in the mood to allow her to get away with treating me like she did, not today. so i used the same tone of voice she had used on me when i said;

"are you completely sure these are the right replacement plugs? because if i 'go on home now' with the wrong spark plugs because you wrote the numbers down wrong i will not be happy."

"no they are correct. i am sure of it..." she said.

and then the sky opened, the angels sang and by the look on her face i knew that she completely understood that i was giving back exactly what i had received...

you may think i was completely out of line.

and maybe i was.

but believe we all deserve respect....

and i am slowly learning that i have a right to demand it.










 





listen to my heart...

well. 

i did it again.

opened my mouth and not only stuck my foot in but swallowed my entire being...

or maybe my entire being was shoved down my throat...

i don't know any more...

my lines have become very blurry...

truths are coming back wrapped in so much deception that even i now question what i know....

but i thought i was talking about how i felt about something very important to me...

and i thought i was being heard.

until the a voice came back on the defensive and then went on to say something meant to cut deep enough to shut me up.

evidently what i was doing was offering unwanted advice in the form of something that did not want to be heard...

and maybe i was....
 
like i said my lines were blurry...

and those ugly truths sure do look a lot better once they've been formed into something they never were and wrapped up with a big bright bow....

"see" the voice said; "this is why i left you... because we can't talk..."

i felt bad. 

i felt guilty.

i apologized... 

and then later i stood in the shower with tears running down my face wondering why it is always wrong for me to share how i feel.

or why i always have to feel guilty about something i did not do...  

and i realized something;

he did not leave me because we could not talk... 

he left me because he could never hear - or understand - my heart...