the buff gloved boys

this morning i ran errands.


those errands included stopping at the home improvement store to pick up a few 1x4x8 trim pieces and a piece of plastic tubing along with other odds and sorts.

i was greeted as i entered the store and as i passed each aisle with "Good Morning, may I help you?" to which i responded that i was headed to pick out some lumber for trim....

evidently lumber was not within their jurisdiction.


if you've ever been to the "lumber" store and picked out your own lumber, you know that the first pieces you pull out of the pile are not going to be the ones you take home.  nor are the second. or third.  and so on.  in fact, i think, as a general rule the straightest unmarked pieces of timber are going to be near the bottom of the lot.

so there i am catching splinters in my hands and sawdust in my eyes sorting and stacking and digging and comparing and re-stacking 1x4x8 sticks of lumber in an attempt to locate those timbers that were as close to $4 perfection as i could get.

and there they were; the buff gloved boys...

the buff gloved boys; whose territory i was smack dab in the center of...

the buff gloved boys; who get paid to hoist lumber for tiny blue-eyed batting lash equipped old fart females like me...

the buff gloved boys; who all tried their best to become invisible as they passed me by lest they catch my attention and, god forbid, i ask for help...

this stealth activity continued until finally i had exhausted all the possible timbers - and had placed those that were usable into my cart.

i then engineered the hefty cart over to the plastic pipe aisle and commenced picking a piece of plastic pipe from the shelf.

now, in case you didn't realize, plastic pipe is engineered. it's all the same. so there was no sorting for the best of the best involved here. and i will also mention that it weighs a few ounces at best...

and the reason i mention the weight of plastic pipe is this;

those same buff gloved boys that had passed me by thinking they were wearing Harry Potter's Invisibility Cloak while i sorted through timber up to my knees are now stumbling over each other to help me load 2 ounces of plastic pipe...


 

curse you punxsutawney phil!

in the hopes that, as Punxsutawney Phil predicted, Spring will indeed arrive early this year, i revved up my epilator to whisk away all the body fuzz that has somehow accumulated in the last three months.

nekkid on the floor, perched in my very own incredible position™, designed to make even the best yoga master green with envy, i put epilator to skin.

and the pain and cursing began.

halfway through the third paragraph of cursing, i thought perhaps it would be much easier to just rev up the lawn mower and lay under it for a couple of passes. but then the snow is still two feet deep out there.

hmmmm.. i wonder if the snowblower....

nah.

and so, the pain and cursing continued....

as did the thinking...

i wondered then on what continent it was that men appreciated - and even adored - hairy women? perhaps i could move there? but wait; is it just hairy women they adore? or do they also adore curvy rubenesque hairy women? my luck they like them tall, thin and full of blonde hair....

maybe i should just forget about this all together? after all, when was the last time anybody saw me naked anyway?  okay, besides the doctor.  and the doctors assistant.  and the surgical nurses... and whomever else glanced a peek and giggled while i was under anesthesia.

yeah, good plan.  i should just forget it.

this pain isn't worth the looks i'll never get anyway so why not just let it grow....

resolution!

i shut the epilator off and a magical painless quiet filled the room.

it was downright mystical.

until i realized i'd been in my magnificent far too long to straighten up any time soon without a struggle....

so with pain of another sort, i noted that i was not one to leave anything unfinished - especially if it was made of chocolate. which i then promised myself i could have loads of once i was finished, provided (of course) i was able to stand and make it out to the kitchen.

noise and pain again filled the air.  but, with cursing on my side i rose to the challenge and managed to pull every stubborn hair from its home.  and, afterward, with minimal effort, i escaped from my pose.

(actually, Houdini was never so amazing at escaping from a pose. but then, maybe Houdini never promised himself chocolate...?)

back in the now satiated with petal smooth skin and deep dark chocolate i think; "that wasn't so bad."

and that fleeting thought was fast followed by; "what the hell are you saying? that hurt like hell and so does the aftermath...

curse you Punxsutawney Phil! may you, and all those who woke you from your slumber or cheered you forth in your prediction of an early spring be greeted with epilators on your pillow - old ones - every morning until you have the guts to actually use them!"

in the meantime, i need more chocolate....

hello, my name is annie hall



poster from moviegoods.com























hello, i said; my name is annie hall

huh. no kidding? annie hall? really?

yes, really

seriously? wow! your mom musta really liked that movie to name you after it huh?

seriously? are you kidding? that movie came out the year after i graduated high school!

*confused and somewhat disappointed* what? but you just said your name was annie hall.

ok. i confess, yes. my mom really did love the movie. 

*smiling triumphantly* i knew it!



some people are just far too easy....