curse you punxsutawney phil!

in the hopes that, as Punxsutawney Phil predicted, Spring will indeed arrive early this year, i revved up my epilator to whisk away all the body fuzz that has somehow accumulated in the last three months.

nekkid on the floor, perched in my very own incredible position™, designed to make even the best yoga master green with envy, i put epilator to skin.

and the pain and cursing began.

halfway through the third paragraph of cursing, i thought perhaps it would be much easier to just rev up the lawn mower and lay under it for a couple of passes. but then the snow is still two feet deep out there.

hmmmm.. i wonder if the snowblower....

nah.

and so, the pain and cursing continued....

as did the thinking...

i wondered then on what continent it was that men appreciated - and even adored - hairy women? perhaps i could move there? but wait; is it just hairy women they adore? or do they also adore curvy rubenesque hairy women? my luck they like them tall, thin and full of blonde hair....

maybe i should just forget about this all together? after all, when was the last time anybody saw me naked anyway?  okay, besides the doctor.  and the doctors assistant.  and the surgical nurses... and whomever else glanced a peek and giggled while i was under anesthesia.

yeah, good plan.  i should just forget it.

this pain isn't worth the looks i'll never get anyway so why not just let it grow....

resolution!

i shut the epilator off and a magical painless quiet filled the room.

it was downright mystical.

until i realized i'd been in my magnificent far too long to straighten up any time soon without a struggle....

so with pain of another sort, i noted that i was not one to leave anything unfinished - especially if it was made of chocolate. which i then promised myself i could have loads of once i was finished, provided (of course) i was able to stand and make it out to the kitchen.

noise and pain again filled the air.  but, with cursing on my side i rose to the challenge and managed to pull every stubborn hair from its home.  and, afterward, with minimal effort, i escaped from my pose.

(actually, Houdini was never so amazing at escaping from a pose. but then, maybe Houdini never promised himself chocolate...?)

back in the now satiated with petal smooth skin and deep dark chocolate i think; "that wasn't so bad."

and that fleeting thought was fast followed by; "what the hell are you saying? that hurt like hell and so does the aftermath...

curse you Punxsutawney Phil! may you, and all those who woke you from your slumber or cheered you forth in your prediction of an early spring be greeted with epilators on your pillow - old ones - every morning until you have the guts to actually use them!"

in the meantime, i need more chocolate....

4 comments:

  1. Chocolate goooood.
    Epilator baaaaad.

    Discuss. (20 points)

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  2. Hahahaha. Not being a hairy woman I don't think about what other women must go through! I know an Italian woman who has a sugar hair removal business, in that she actually uses sugar to remove hair. It's supposed to be much less painful. At least you are staying flexible...

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  3. Beautifully written and comical (at your expense) to boot :{, The closest I've had to epliation is when I volunteered to get my chest waxed as my Sis needed to test her skills - she will 'always' owe me for that experience...

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  4. Thank you! =)

    Indigo - chocolate is good, solace in a cruel world...

    Rebecca - lucky you! i think i was born for Siberian weather. as for staying flexible my doctor once asked me if i did yoga - no...um...yes...sort of? sugar? never heard of that, shall have to look it up...

    Robbie - OUCH!! and yes, she will always owe you for that experience. my only experience with wax was so unpleasant that i still whimper when i see it on the store shelf.

    ReplyDelete