Way To Go Sandman!

i don't sleep well. i sleep so badly in fact that i can tell you the exact day it was that i last slept an entire night - meaning 7 hours without waking - generally if i sleep two quality filled hours at one time i congratulate the Sandman for fear he will skip me the next time round if i don't.

but last night something quite odd happened [despite my saying screw the earplugs and the window shade and that frelling mouthpiece designed to stop me from chewing my own teeth to bits. hell, last night i even said skipped the toothbrush routine!] i slept a four hour stretch! which was followed by a three hour stretch. quite odd indeed.

so as i am standing there brushing my teeth grinning at that sad little mouthpiece in the drawer it really hits me; i slept. i slept more than two hours! more than two hours in two consecutive spaces!! in the same night!!! god bless the sandman for finding me and remembering which sand to use!

i am cheering him on when another thought strikes me quite hard; this sleep thing - it wasn't a fluke

IT WAS A MIRACLE!

and miracles, they say, are precursors to life changing events. but me? i have a habit of not listening to the wisdom of miracles - even when they have allowed me to defy death.

this morning i decided i really do need to listen.

i really do need to change things.
even if they are only tiny things at first.
i must learn to walk before i can run yes?

so today:
i didn't make the bed. something i've done every single day baring illness since 1960!
i made cappuccino and had it with cookies for breakfast.
i smiled as i stepped over the shit left here there and everywhere by the other guy.
i ignored all the; 'while i'm out having fun would you do me a favor and...' messages.
i didn't answer the phone if it was someone i didn't want to talk to.
i took myself out of the house and drove the clean car down the dirt roads.
i bought myself chocolate and ate every bit of it without remorse. i even licked the crumbs out of the wrapper.
god bless Lindt!
and i even deposited money into a savings account only i can touch.

i have no idea if the sleep will continue, but i do hope that the small changes i make will lead to bigger, and more complex, changes.

i can't be sure but i think i heard the Sandman congratulating me this time round.

Scarlet O'Hara In Training

Yesterday while shopping for groceries I overheard a conversation between a mother and daughter.

I wasn't eavesdropping mind you, the conversation caught my attention only because the tiny child [who might have been 5] was wearing a pink flowered dress and sparkling diamond heel ensemble. This ensemble was accessorized by a cleverly placed white hat, a pair of white gloves that ended just past her elbows, and a smart white purse with diamond clasp.

I had clearly been upstaged.

The mother is calmly shopping. Ignoring that the well dressed nap taker perched on the end of her cart is dangling by mere fingers readying herself to jump in front of two speeding wheels.

with a sigh of utter frustration the little girl says;
… but mommmmmm! I LOST it.

“But darling, if I buy you another and we find the one you have at home, you’ll have two. You don’t need two.”

… but I lost it so I won’t have two. I will only have ONE.”

“But maybe, just maybe, you can find the one you lost.”

Her eyes roll as she dangles ever closer to the speeding wheels.

but moOOOm…it's lost." she enunciates that last word again; "LLLLOOOOOSSSSSTTTTTT! How will I ever find it?

“well, sweetheart, where is the last place you saw it?”

And the tiny girl sighs with exhausted desperation. She drops her purse into the cart with a heavy thud and brings her little white gloved hand over her forehead while dropping her head back as far as she can without actually jumping and says;

oh mother. That was yearrrrrrrrrrrs ago, how am I ever ever EVER supposed to remember that?"