this morning was the doctor appointment i always sarcastically reference as the highlight of my year.
i should be thankful it's only once a year because as a young woman it was the "highlight" of my month - and sometimes of my week.
(even more proof that some things actually do get better with age.)
so there i am in the exam room and the nurse has me stand on the scale - holy shit! i weigh how much!? and now you want to take my blood pressure?!?
can i recover from that last shock first?
of course the answer is always no.
and they wonder why my blood pressure is high...
before she left she handed me a sheet and instructed me to remove all my clothes. after which, i was to sit on the end of the exam table, cover myself with it, and wait for the doctor.
so i removed my clothes and attempted to unfold the sheet.
but the damn thing already was unfolded!
it was only a half sheet!
and not only was it a half sheet but whomever thought of this dim-brained idea (to save money on laundering no doubt) was also dim-brained enough to cut it in half length wise.
so i sat naked on the edge of the exam table wondering just how they expected an ample woman to to cover herself with a ribbon that kept sliding off no matter how she maneuvered it.
what were they thinking?
obviously they weren't.
i had to retrieve the ribbon twice from the floor before i managed to cover myself by clutching it to my chest with my right hand.
as long as i didn't move.
so i sat very still.
and i waited for the doctor.
who finally entered.
and being the polite man he is, he greeted me with a wonderful hello.
and then he extended his left hand for the obligatory hand shake.
and i, being the polite woman - okay dim-brained sheet cutter - that i am, extended my right hand.
and off the ribbon slipped.
right down on to the floor.
pronunciation: \in - bare - ass\
used in sentence: my ribbon fell off leaving me sitting embarrass.