in.bare.ass

this morning was the doctor appointment i always sarcastically reference as the highlight of my year.

i should be thankful it's only once a year because as a young woman it was the "highlight" of my month - and sometimes of my week.

(even more proof that some things actually do get better with age.)

so there i am in the exam room and the nurse has me stand on the scale - holy shit! i weigh how much!? and now you want to take my blood pressure?!?

can i recover from that last shock first?

of course the answer is always no.

and they wonder why my blood pressure is high...

before she left she handed me a sheet and instructed me to remove all my clothes. after which, i was to sit on the end of the exam table, cover myself with it, and wait for the doctor.

so i removed my clothes and attempted to unfold the sheet.

but the damn thing already was unfolded!

it was only a half sheet!

and not only was it a half sheet but whomever thought of this dim-brained idea (to save money on laundering no doubt) was also dim-brained enough to cut it in half length wise.

so i sat naked on the edge of the exam table wondering just how they expected an ample woman to to cover herself with a ribbon that kept sliding off no matter how she maneuvered it.

what were they thinking?

obviously they weren't.

i had to retrieve the ribbon twice from the floor before i managed to cover myself by clutching it to my chest with my right hand.

lovely.

as long as i didn't move.

so i sat very still.

hardly breathing.

and i waited for the doctor.

who finally entered.

and being the polite man he is, he greeted me with a wonderful hello.

and then he extended his left hand for the obligatory hand shake.

and i, being the polite woman - okay dim-brained sheet cutter - that i am, extended my right hand.

and off the ribbon slipped.

right down on to the floor.

em·bar·rass
pronunciation: \in - bare - ass\
function: verb
used in sentence: my ribbon fell off leaving me sitting embarrass.

5 comments:

  1. They think it's funny, too, I'm sure. Take a sheet of your own next year! Or push the discomfort back on the doctor, and get undressed when he comes into the room!

    ReplyDelete
  2. probably reached out to shake my hand on purpose too...

    ReplyDelete
  3. ah awkward

    This story made me smile, thanks for sharing :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. And that's BEFORE they start poking and prodding you! Poor Ms. Petite!

    ReplyDelete