i went out for breakfast with my mr.
actually it was mid morning so but for a few advanced aged stragglers here and there the place was pretty empty.
while we waited for our breakfast to arrive a woman came in and sat a few tables from us. she only wanted water and she wanted it pronto! as in "i want water. i only want water. and i wanted it like yesterday! don't just stand there and wait for my order because there won't be an order! i just want water. get it? got it? good!"
wow! that was strange.
but it wasn't.
it got stranger.
a much older couple came in with a darling little pre-school aged girl and the waitress leads them to the table across from us. the little girl's great grandma says; don't sit us here. then she points to me and says;(as if she knows it's fact)"some people are very snooty. and they don't care for children at all."
double wow! (i had no idea she knew me that well)
next, a woman comes in and tells the waitress there will be 5 people and they'd like to sit at a specific table but they'll all need to use the bathroom first.
and, as the waitress sets the table for them one by one they head to the bathroom. and one by one they exit the bathroom, pass the table set for them and leave the restaurant.
what the hell? (even my mr. is now scratching his head and wondering if we should have checked the bathrooms before we ordered too)
meanwhile the woman who ordered water has decided she will have coffee but she wants it just so and served on a saucer and why don't they have dessert yet after all it IS ten o'clock already!
enter the final couple who is either extremely wealthy or just likes others to believe that they are. they don't even wait for the waitress to show them to a table they just choose one across the room and shout their order to her as they go.
"We both want coffee. black! one regular. one decaf." says the female. "he does not tolerate regular so put his in a very different cup so you know which one it is and DO NOT get it backwards!"
"DECAF! I MEAN IT!" says the male. "I DO NOT AND WILL NOT DRINK REGULAR COFFEE!"
and while the female tells the waitress what they want for breakfast; raisin bran with whole milk, i entertain the idea of the waitress bringing special highly caffeinated espresso blend in a very large very different cup for Mr. Rich...
but no, what she does bring back are two very different mugs and the news that they do not have raisin bran.
and suddenly the quiet little breakfast world ended for all of us.
i guess Mr. Rich really wanted his raisin bran too.
"JESUS H. CHRIST. IS IT MORNING? CHECK YOUR WATCH. I AM SURE IT'S MORNING. IS MORNING NOT THE TIME ONE EATS BREAKFAST? TELL ME THAT MUCH!"
"yes sir it is morning. and yes most people eat breakfast in the morning, though people who work third shift tend to eat b..."
he cuts her short: "WELL I DON'T WORK THIRD SHIFT! AND I WANT BREAKFAST AND I WANT RAISIN BRAN!"
"actually we don't serve any sort of cereal here."
"DO YOU SERVE BREAKFAST?"
"yes we do."
"IS CEREAL A BREAKFAST FOOD?"
"yes it is, but..."
"IF YOU SERVE BREAKFAST AND I WANT RAISIN BRAN I SHOULD BE ABLE TO ORDER RAISIN BRAN AND GET RAISIN BRAN! I AM DIABETIC AND... JUST GO TELL YOUR COOK TO ORDER RAISIN BRAN RIGHT NOW! PEOPLE OUGHT TO BE ABLE TO GET RAISIN BRAN! DO YOU UNDERSTAND OR ARE YOU AS DUMB AS YOU ARE BLOND?!?"
"yes, i understand sir, and i am very sorry we don't have raisin bran. i will however ask our cook to order it for you right away."
"DAMN STRAIGHT YOU WILL! AND HE'D BETTER ORDER IT TOO!"
by this time i'm thinking damn she must be a saint because i'd have surely lost my temper and my job four or five times already.
and then the sweet little blond waitress says;
"oh i'm sure he'll order it all right, but you realize that if he does we'll have to put it on the menu and give everybody a chance to order it and since you are insisting that it's a very popular item we may very well be out of it when you place your order....
"gee, you know, i wish there was a way i could make sure we'd still have some in stock when you get here.
she sighs a heavy sigh and then a light bulb beams over her head
oh wait! i know! i've got it! i'll just get a big fat red marker and write your name on the box! what is your name?"
i'm giggling under my breath but i'm guessing he thought she was being sincere because he rattled off his first name.
William? okay William, and your last name?
okay, just the initial then. H? good. William H it is. fantastic!!
and then she pretends to write on a huge imaginary box of raisin bran;
'THIS BOX OF RAISIN BRAN BELONGS TO WILLIAM H! DO NOT SERVE TO ANYONE ELSE!
he still doesn't catch on so she continues a notch louder;
'PLEASE NOTE; THIS IS WILLIAM H's BOX OF RAISIN BRAN SO NO MATTER HOW MUCH THE OTHER CUSTOMERS MAY WHINE, AND THEY WILL! YOU MUST TELL THEM WE ARE OUT OF RAISIN BRAN. EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW WE AREN'T!'
and then came the frosting on the flake;
'EVEN IF THEY PROCEED TO MAKE A FOOL OUT OF YOU IN FRONT OF EVERYONE IN THE RESTAURANT PLEASE SAVE THIS BOX OF RAISIN BRAN FOR WILLIAM H.'
and there he sat with his wife suddenly as quiet as the entire restaurant.
and the as smart as she was blonde waitress said;
now, William, is there anything else i can get you this morning?