i am not alone

i have ghosts. or maybe they have me. or maybe i really am just as jumble brained as some people think i am.

i've felt them all my life and on occasion i hear and smell them (one is a chain smoker).

i have even seen them a handful of times.

my first visit to a therapist for something unrelated had her asking me a series of dumb questions. you know the sort;
what is today's date?
um... is it the 12th?
hmm. i don't really know myself, let me check.
(yeah, i shoulda ran right then)

who is the president?
of which country?

what is the next holiday?
that depends on who you are and what god you follow.
okay, what is the next CALENDAR holiday.
valentines day. or doesn't that count?
sure, it counts. i think?

do you or have you ever heard voices?
yes. all the time. i hear yours right now.
i mean when nobody else is there?
no. i mean; do you actually hear people talking when you are completely alone?
. i do.
ok... do they give you instructions?
as in lizzie borden? um. no. most times it's just singing or chatter that i can't really decipher.

ok...[pause scribble pause] do you ever SEE things that are not there?
no. i mean like ghosts and demons and things like that. have you ever seen those?
yes. but only twice.
are you a smart ass?
i can be, yes, but i am not a liar.

[pause scribble scribble pause scribble]

(she's becoming excited and i start to wonder if she has a serious nutjob sitting directly across from her)

[her pencil is poised]tell me what you saw.
a very visible angel. okay, not visible really. i could see through her but she was extremely detailed. you know like the ghosts that got off the titanic in Ghost Busters ...

[she scribbles though her excitement has visibly waned]

an angel. well. if you saw an angel that's quite normal. if it had been a demon now THAT, my dear, is entirely different.

(i laugh. not because i lied. [i didn't])

so you're saying my visions are allowed because it was an angel and not a demon?
yes, missy, that is exactly what i'm saying. angels are godly visions. demons, of course, are not.

i note that she is obviously catholic. i am not, but i recognize the signs in those that are. i decide not to tell her that i am not 100% sure that it was an angel. i just use "angel" as a descriptive term because what i saw was white and it's long hair and garment were billowing around it.
of course i got the impression it was also female and angels, so i've been taught, are sexless.
we won't go there here, but i will tell you this;

yes. i do believe in angels.


  1. Damn, I enjoyed this. Having "been in the chair" a few times, I recognise the questions and the attitude. Of course, coming from a godless nation, the attutude was different. But then, folks who think they know better than us aren't grouped under one persuasion, are they?

  2. Yes, That feels strangely familiar. I genuinely wanted to be helped when I was in the chair, so kept my comments to myself. Trouble is that beyond the catharsis of explaining the situation they cannot really do very much. Sometimes they bring back stuff to be re-processed that we couldn't deal with at the time and strangely still cannot.

  3. IndigoWrath, nope. folks who know better than us are everywhere. sadly each persuasion believes itself to be THE ONE that knows best - and often won't allow you to forget it.

  4. Keith, yes me too. genuinely wanted to be helped. believed i could be helped. even if it was just full night sleeps again. and there i sat keeping mum or twisting things ever so slightly into what i knew she wanted to hear.
    now, i am still trying to come to terms with things i had good reason to protect myself from long after she smiled and said; "i think we're done here." [translated: i opened your barrel of monkeys and spilled them on the floor. you are now free to chain them together yourself - enjoy!]