my engine is idling at the starting line



test driving new to me vehicles should be fun...

i am fast finding out that it isn't... 

so not helpful when the used car lot i went to had several of the vehicles i wanted to try out and they were sure i wanted to buy each one…

ford fiesta…

honda crv…

toyota prius… 

i was moved away from the Chevrolet Sonic with a "that's going to cost you about $8000 more" - but maybe that's only because i drove the ford fiesta the wrong way down a one way street and tried to return it to a different car lot – both times with a salesman in the passenger seat? 


nah.... that's not it...  

it really is okay though, because the sonic was not a pretty red hatchback – it was boring black with a trunk.  unless maybe it came with a neat Men In Black Forgetallaboutit Flash Stick?  

must go back and check…

after the 3rd test drive they told me i was starting my own "has to be re-detailed" car pile… 

um... 

suck it up boys.  I don’t get paid to test drive…  



and my nice little jeep is worth more than you said it was...


i really think they didn’t expect this nice little old lady to leave without a purchase

or a new to me try it over night vehicle...

even after telling me someone just called and wanted to look at the one i just brought back and if they buy it... 

refer back to my description of self two lines ago - specifically the word "old" and read it as; been there. heard that. too MANY times to believe it's true...

sure, it could be true but you know what?  if a car sells before i decide i want it, it wasn't mine to begin with… (because that's how the universe rolls)

i haven't tried them all yet and i needed a car to make me fall out of love with the one i already have and that didn't happen... 

and since when is NO not an acceptable answer?

what to do.

what to do.

i think i shall rest my little Flintstone feet and continue test driving another day...

starting with that sonic...


ready the checkered flag!




divinity in ice

it's been cold here in my little corner of the mitten state...

VERRRY cold.

But today while the sun was shining - just to tease me into thinking Spring was near - it glittered off of an odd formation of ice the snow made as it melted off the metal guard
on the chimney next door...

I would guess that if I were catholic I might think it a patron saint, or the mother Mary herself...


but;

because I am not, I will just say it's Jesus looking over my back yard thinking;  wow, eolist, what a mess!

what do you think?  should I call the press?




he's ba-aaaaaack!!!!



“Good morning Miss.” The waiter said waving carafe of coffee under my nose.

I sat up in bed rubbed the crusty varmits from my all too thin lashes and held out my coffee mug.
As he poured I realized he was using the orange carafe with the cheerful white daisies on it…

I cringed and shivered.  

It’s never the orange carafe unless something is afoot with one of my comrades in crime - or both...

I’d have tucked back in and pulled the covers over my head but the coffee smelled so delightful that I convinced myself I was simply being silly…

And then the waiter pulled a shining silver tray of my favorite pastries from his front left pocket and placed it on my night stand with a sunshiny yellow napkin...    

Damn it.  I knew I was right!  Today was going to be filled with a lot more than coffee..

“Would Miss like anything else this morning?”  he said with an all too cheerful side eyed smile.

I barfed a sigh, held my hand out palm up and wiggled 'come here and give it too' me fingers.  “Let me have the paper man, I know it’s up your sleeve.”

“No Miss” he said; smiling that sort of smile you smile when you are ‘technically’ telling the ‘truth’ but you know very well it is a lie.  “I assure you it is not up my sleeve.”  

And the ‘game’ ensued; “pant leg?”  

The waiter’s left eye narrowed and twitched.  Even though he knew he was not going to win he made the next move anyway; “not up my pant leg either Miss.”

It never ceased to amaze me, the vast array – and size – of items the waiter could pull from inside his pockets and sleeves and pant legs and hats and hair and – okay let’s not go anywhere near crevices…  “Back pocket, right side, behind the bowling ball.”

He merely chuckled; “the bowling ball is in my left back pocket today Miss.”  

“Damn!” I held my mug out for more coffee.  “Inner breast pocket tucked into the physics book you are never going to read?”

“Nope” he said, but his lip twitched in a way that told me I was getting warmer.”

“Trouser watch pocket underneath the only napkin that was salvaged from the Euthanasia Curry House after the balloon incident.”

“Maybe…. but what’s on top of that?” the waiter smugly replied.

“The last piece of belly button lint on which Dr. T said he could hear a Who!”  I said triumphantly…


And then I realized something I didn’t need any headline in the morning paper to tell me and a nearly dropped my coffee mug.   Thankfully I held steady… I am so not fond of coffee intermixed with hints of wrinkled sheet…

“Get Indigo Roth on the phone STAT!”

“Already done Miss” he said, pulling my cell phone from under the single button on his cummerbund. 
With it he handed me the morning paper.  Just in case my petite ‘spidey’ senses were wrong.

Sure enough… there it was, big and bold, in next week’s headline:

                DR MAXIMILLION TUNGUSKA IS BACK! 
                     WITH A VERY SMALL AMOUNT OF MS. PETITE'S MOJO…..

http://www.thetunguskaevent.blogspot.com/



the REAL house of Payne

yes, us payne's really do exist, though some of us wonder why or how we managed to survive.... 

and we really aren't that funny...

we are however extremely religious, though morally idiotic/unfaithful, and highly inappropriate...  

so...  yesterday was the yearly Pain Payne Family Rebellion.  

each year at the family rebellion we have a pot luck picnic followed by a "white elephant" auction to create revenue for the next one...  yes, we are all a few cards short of a deck - even with the jokers added - and believe we all enjoy seeing people we will otherwise do our damndest to avoid.  

admittedly some of us actually did have enough brain cells to move far far away, of course that only means they are guilted by those who didn't into buying an expensive plane ticket after they have missed one or two rebellions... 

at least the food is good, sort of, and the conversation is better.  it is seriously comforting knowing none of us will be going to hell alone...

so back to the "white elephant" auction;  this is where everyone brings a random item to be auctioned off.  home brewed wine and home baked molasses cookies always create a bidding war and fetch huge dollars because, obviously, this is how we as a people cope.  

but, after those are gone very few care...
 
very few bid and fewer yet bother pay attention to the other 932 items left to auction off.  this makes the auctioneer, the money changer, the money counter, ms. "vanna white" petite (me) and ms "vanna white" in training who have been standing in the hot sun trying make a sale just a little bit (ok a lot) more cranky than we usually are...

so cranky hot and tired of the entire shabang we finally we get to the last few items... coloring books, crayons, markers, pencils and a plastic bag filled with paper folding fans. the decision is made to auction them as one item and be done with it... so ms. "vanna white" in training unfolds a few of the fans to show the bidders what they look like while i hold up the coloring books and the auctioneer starts the bidding off at $1...

and suddenly a bidder pays attention in a huge way...

and stomps up to the auctioneer screaming;  WAIT WAIT WAIT!  THOSE FANS WERE NOT FOR THE AUCTION!  I WANTED THOSE FANS PASSED OUT TO THE LADIES TO KEEP THEM COOL WHILE WE WERE BIDDING...

too late says the auctioneer, we're on the last item and they are being sold...

and a push/pull match starts involving the bag of fans the auctioneer is holding...

and heated words are exchanged... 

and small children are enlisted to grab the fans before they are sold...

and fans are being torn away from "vanna white" in training and passed out to the ladies...

and the bidder is told to sit her ass down and keep her big mouth shut...

and the auctioneer is told something i can't quite repeat...  but ends with well i never in all my life...

and the auctioneer calls bullshit and tells her she has too - and not just once but two or three times...

but in the end the auctioneer just lets go of bag of fans...

because after all, now that the auction is over the ladies will probably need them to keep themselves cool on their way home... 

and me... i am still giggling today because - as i said - we are a religious family though morally idiotic and these were the fans worth not only fighting for, but worth recruiting small children to take possession of by force - note the sentiment on them... 


personally, i have no doubt that Jesus loves me, but i also have no doubt that Jesus too shook his head in disbelief, poured himself a tall glass of home brewed wine and dunked a molasses cookie in it in order to cope... 

and by the way; the ladies didn't want the "damn fans" anyway....  (there is a perspective on war there somewhere i am certain of it)











  

conan the destroyer should have been drawn and quartered....


seriously!?!?! 

when you completely destroy something you claim to love with all your heart and soul...

and then walk away with your ears closed to the wailing and your eyes closed to what you have done, while simultaneously lying through your teeth about who is to blame...

you have no right at all to turn around expecting those who are still picking up the charred pieces of themselves to applaud you for building something brand new for yourself.


just sayin'** 

** edited because &!$# off! just isn't very pretty... 

odd little things that add up big...

or... leave no stone unturned:

after weeks of hemming and hawing, researching, reading reviews, questioning friends, tarot cards, 8 balls and flipping coins,  i finally decided which CHEAP laptop i was going to charge an arm, leg two fingers and a toe for on my credit card...



and i put said laptop in my cart online...

and before i checked out it asked;
'would you like to extend the service contract for this laptop for two years for $39.99?"  

well, since this is me and "annies" law can often apply, i clicked yes.

my cart was then re calculated and i proceeded to the check out where i was greeted with;
"one or more items in your cart is currently unavailable.  please delete the unavailable item(s) and proceed to the check out..."

it turned out they were no longer offering the extended service contract.  oh well, thought i, that's ok i am willing to take my chances and go without it...  trust the force annie...

i removed the extended warranty and noted that after it re-calculated my cart, it said all items were in stock and available to ship.  so once again, i proceeded to check out.

but again i was greeted with;
"we're sorry, one or more items in your cart is currently unavailable...."

so i remove the laptop which still, as i said, says; "IN STOCK AND AVAILABLE TO SHIP."

odd i think, so i decide to shop for it again...

and yes said laptop is still "IN STOCK AND AVAILABLE TO SHIP"  but now the price has risen by $100...

$100!?!?

no, i am NOT kidding...  am i willing to pay $100 more for it?  um....  no. 

oh well, maybe i really did need the arm, leg two fingers and a toe more than i needed a laptop for work... besides, i tell myself, i can always bring the work laptop home with me... it's just not meant to be.

a day or two went by before i got that email that says; "oops, you left something in your cart..."  even though you know darn right well you didn't... anyway, while i was muttering to myself about bots monitoring your every move i noticed a tiny picture of a "buy a  laptop get a case free" bundle at the bottom of the email and figure what the heck and clicked it just for toots and grins...

and checked to see if the laptop i wanted was part of the deal....

nope...

but wait! there's more!

i was presented with a better bundle; "buy a laptop, get a printer, two ink cartridges, a carrying case and a 8gb flash drive free." 

*CLICK*

hey! look! the laptop i wanted was available with this bundle for $40 more...

i know angels were singing because i not only got the laptop i wanted, i got a printer, two ink cartriges, a carrying case and an 8gb flash drive for less than the first original price on the laptop...

so WITH tax and handling fees it cost me a total of $4 more than just buying the laptop at it's original price had they not said it was unavailable.... 

to good to be true right?  trust me i checked;
is this laptop refurbished?  nope...
is anything else refurbished?  nope...
is this laptop still $100 more in price than when i first put it in my cart?  yep...
is this a joe schmo seller and not the store i am purchasing from? nope...

will this purchase make it to the finish line?

YES!  SCORE!

and they even shipped it to my door free!

but i think the monkeys were still celebrating for me when they sent it, because the flash drive and fabric case came this morning in a very big FED-EX truck...

and the computer and printer came this afternoon in a tiny car with my regular mail carrier... 

i checked today and the computer i bought is still available on it's own at the hiked price of $100 more...

meaning, i saved $96 plus shipping and handling AND i got a printer, ink, carrying case and a flash drive to boot...

i am blessed... 

however i am now afraid to open the boxes....